Mothers-in-law

Mother-in-law jokes are the staple and cliched diet of comedians but they mask the real family battles between a woman and her daughter-in-law, according to new research that reveals the domestic conflict being waged between women with the husband and son somewhere in the middle

According to the study of hundreds of families over two decades, more than 60 per cent of women admitted the relationship with their female in-law caused them long-term unhappiness and stress.

Dr Terri Apter, a psychologist and senior tutor at Newnham College, Cambridge University, who carried out the research for her new book What Do You Want From Me?, found that two-thirds of daughters-in-law believed that their husband's mother frequently exhibited jealous, maternal love towards their sons.

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The behaviour ranged from that experienced by 26-year-old Jenny from north London, whose mother-in-law began emailing her two months before her wedding with messages saying, 'What you don't realise is that my son thinks about me every day, every minute of the day, every second of every minute of the day', to more common behaviour, such as making demands, being critical or intrusive, sulking and eliciting pity.

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A similar proportion of mothers-in-law, however, complained of being excluded and isolated. 'My daughter-in-law is so cold towards me,' said 64-year-old Annie from Yorkshire. 'She begrudges any time or attention my son gives to me and takes every opportunity to minimise the importance and depth of the bond he and I have.'

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Apter has spent the past 20 years interviewing hundreds of families across the world for her book.

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She found that, while 75 per cent of couples reported having problems with an in-law, only 15 per cent of mother-in-law/son-in-law relationships were described as tense.

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The typical 'in-law' jokes are told in a male voice and directed towards a mother-in-law.

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For example: 'Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate: "My mother-in-law is an angel." His friend replies: "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."'

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However, Apter says that the in-law problem is almost always between the two women. '

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As they struggle to achieve the same position in the family as primary woman, each tries to establish or protect her status, each feels threatened by the other,' she said.

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'Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law conflict often emerges from an expectation that each is criticising or undermining the other, but this mutual unease may have less to do with actual attitudes and far more to do with persistent female norms that few of us manage to shake off completely,' she added.

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For example, although a daughter-in-law is an adult in her own household, a mother-in-law's maternal expertise is already established and she may expect deference.

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There then arises that tricky question about who is "mother" in the family, with final say over all those things women still assume charge over: housework and child care, meal times and children's manners,' said Apter.

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The range of tactics admitted to by female in-laws harks back to squabbles in girls' cliques in primary-school playgrounds: long-term, low-key, and indirect attacks are used to exclude and criticise.

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'I pity the young woman who will attempt to insinuate herself between my mamma's boy and me,' admitted author Ayelet Waldman. 'I sympathise with the monumental nature of her task. I sympathise with how much work she faces, but not with her.

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In fact, the very thought of this person, imaginary though she is, sends me into paroxysms of a kind of envy that is uncomfortable to admit.'

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Women in Apter's survey often admitted they were stunned by the impact and influence of their female in-laws.

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'Much has been made of the decline of the family but the bonds between parent and child have not weakened,' she said.

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'The reality and persistence of the extended family is one of the best kept secrets of modern times.

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The only realistic way to approach marriage is to accept that there will be six people in the marriage bed.'

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So why is the most difficult in-law tension that between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law?

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Part of the conflict has its roots in the mother/son relationship, which contains an element of romance in a way that a mother and daughter bond does not, said Apter.

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'This unique dynamic can trigger competition when another woman becomes the new closest kin,' she said.

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But tension also arises from the new wife's expectation that not only will she be the most important woman in her husband's life but that, as daughter-in-law, she will be embraced, supported and left alone, all at the same time.

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The man, meanwhile, must try to maintain and differentiate - or twin-track - the two relationships as son and as husband.

Guardian