Domestic harmony

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Although husbands across the board have reportedly almost doubled their domestic efforts since 1961,

British women in couples, on average, still spend two-thirds more hours doing chores than men do.
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And it's taking its toll
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A  report published last week by the London School of Economics indicates that divorce rates are lower in families where husbands help out with the housework.
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In response to similar evidence in the US, the quest for domestic equality has become something of a movement, with a spate of books, talk-show appearances and websites on the topic.
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And the approach is far from man-bashing.
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Most women naturally set the standards – the way laundry is done, which brand of ketchup to buy, and how to correctly vacuum all surfaces.
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This doesn't work with equal sharing!

A woman's mantra must become 'I will let go'.
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Men aren't going to be in any rush to change, because the current system works so well for them.
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To get your husband to do his fair share, you're going to have to lead the charge.
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All agree that male/female stereotyping is a large part of the problem – and provide strategies for getting past it.
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For example, both parties make sacrifices, whether it's stepping down the career ladder or relinquishing exclusive control over home-decor choices.
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If you stop making gender-based assumptions about who will, say, do the washing, then you have to plan.
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Sit down once a week with the calendar to negotiate chore division.
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It's about truly believing that my obligation to him and his to me is that we owe each other full lives."
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It sounds assertively American, but the idea is gaining traction over here.
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Busy couples try to make things efficient, simply because they have to 
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But often that means we, as Fisher puts it, "sleepwalk" into default roles, usually determined by tradition.
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It's when things aren't discussed – where responsibility is just dumped – that resentment builds 

Then the one with the most dumped on them will often try to dish out tasks
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If you feel like a helper, you won't take responsibility.
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To get things done, a person needs to own the tasks.
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Feeling nagged, he says, creates distance:
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You would stay late at work

Go on that business trip

And the dynamic builds.
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A lot of us are unaware of these dynamics:
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The key is to sit down and talk through who does what.
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Even if it's not feasible to change at that time, talking builds understanding

Which makes people nicer to each other.


Don't assume that your partner automatically understands what's wrong.

Talking openly about what's stressing you out is the first important step.


Accept that you may have different standards for domestic life.

Both partners may need to change their expectations.


Tackle the issue together: negotiating a new approach jointly

Rather than trying to impose a set of rules, will get better results.


Try not to take it personally: your partner isn't being messy in order to hurt you.


Being accusatory won't not solve the problem.

Calmness, kindness and trying to see each other's perspective works better.


Kate Burt