Paraprosdokian

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or re-interpret the first part.
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It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.
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For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.
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Here are someI asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Courtesy of Toothpaste for dinner
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you.
But it's still on the list.
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Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
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We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
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War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.
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A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
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Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
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I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
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Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
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Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
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The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
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Always borrow money from a pessimist.
He won't expect it back.
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A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
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Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
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Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
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Some cause happiness wherever they go.
Others whenever they go.
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I used to be indecisive.
Now I'm not sure.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
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You're never too old to learn something stupid.
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To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
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Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
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Some people hear voices.
Some see invisible people.
Others have no imagination whatsoever.
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A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
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If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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Courtesy of Mister Micawber
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I enjoyed reading these, I hope you did too