Erudite concepts

If you're not familiar with the work of Boswell D. Rabbitsmith, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement. 
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Here are some of his gems.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
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82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
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The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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How can you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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When everything seems to be coming your way, maybe you're in the wrong lane.
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Ambition is a poor excuse for not being smart enough to be lazy.
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Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
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I intend to live forever... so far, so good.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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What happens if you get scared half to death...twice?
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My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
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Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
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Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?