For those who take life too seriously

Save the whales. Collect the whole set
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A day without sunshine is, like, night
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
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99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
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I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
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You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
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I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
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Remember half the people you know are below average.
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Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it  remains
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Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
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He who laughs last thinks slowest.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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I intend to live forever - so far so good.
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Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
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The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
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The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Two wrongs are only the beginning.
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The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
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The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
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Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
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Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
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Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
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How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
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Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.