Saturday, April 28, 2012

Relational thoughts



If they could fall apart, then any of them could was the remark that made me think.
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A remark about the separation of a famous couple.
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Why do relationships work?
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Then cease to work.
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For a million different reasons that's clear. 
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But I'm inclined to believe that relationship breakdowns aren't infectious. 
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What we see of others’ relationships is just that, only what we see. 
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Inside, the workings are as complex and mysterious as those of a modern computer.
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When an apparently strong relationship breaks down.
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We wonder when did they stop loving each other? 
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Was it recently?
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Or much further back?”
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We just don't know but probably while they still appeared to be happy with each other. 
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Meaning that things were already in motion before any one outside knew anything was wrong.
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We often tend to assume that others have the same expectations and needs as ourselves.
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But people want very different things from marriage or longer term relationships.
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Wealth and status matter far more to some than fidelity.
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Some need humour while others need constant stroking.
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People marry for a million reasons. 
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And they bring so much baggage with them up the aisle that no relationship can be viewed without its owner’s previous history. 
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And no marriage is an island either.
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This is so often not seen until too late.
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For example a man left his wife because her parents, treated him as an on-call free handyman. 
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Given different in-laws the relationship might still be working.
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So often parents will not let their offspring get on with their relationships.
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They just have to interfere.
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And a million other reasons why they fail.
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So what can we do to ward off disaster? 
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To most it is clear that routine does take the gloss off, so don’t get in a rut.
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Of course, if you’re both doing high powered jobs and travelling the world all the time, you might need some simple private time together.
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Don’t have any secrets from each other is probably one of the most simple yet ignored pieces of advice.
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Unfortunately some marriages run for decades on pure denial.
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Another is where couples argue, often, but are never bored.
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Have realistic expectations is an obvious but frequently ignored concept.
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Desiring your other half to accompany you to a boring family occasion is reasonable; demanding they bail out your useless sister for the umpteenth  time is not.
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Small gestures can produce big dividends: bring them back their favourite snack or brand of chocolate from the shops and watch their happiness.
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Being prepared to negotiate sounds hard but it can get you out of an impasse where something is just festering. 
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Try not to criticise their dull anecdotes.
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Put up with those nasty little habits, we all have some. 
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Remember a humiliated spouse can be very resentful.
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Spouses are not telepathic because you live together. 
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If you don’t want to go on holiday with her friends and their unpleasant children again, say so.
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Don’t let them become part of the furniture, try to find areas of interest in each other. 
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Pay attention you might miss something that is more fun shared with each other.
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Pay a compliment now and then in fact more than now and then is even better. 
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And the obvious one listen.
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Check that you love each other.
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Do you really truly love her?
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Do you sincerely love him?
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If yes then recognise that all the rest are details that can be worked on.
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If no then see clearly why not and act to change this or move on.
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Oh and so many more but if even one resonates with you then that's cool.

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