Monday, January 28, 2013

One liners

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. 
Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. 

As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. 
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, 

so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! 
Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, 

so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. 

I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. 
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. 
I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.  
”Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! 
 At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. 
Well, she's not exactly my girl friend yet.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. 
He says what do you expect? 
You're in a wheelchair.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. 
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, 
Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London
Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when 
she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. 
I thought to myself , "She's going through the change."

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.
The foreman grins at the bear and says 

"Oh, I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" 
"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks 

"Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. 

He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, 
wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain.
It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

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