One liners

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it. - Mark Twain

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
- Emo Phillips

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
- Hunter S. Thompson

If I owned both Texas and Hell, I'd rent out Texas and live in Hell.
- Philip Henry Sheridan

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
- Jennifer Unlimited

Judge not a man by his clothes, but by his wife's clothes.
- Thomas R. Dewar

I'm not going to get into a name-calling match with somebody who has a 9 percent approval rating.
- Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, a Democrat, referring to Vice President Dick Cheney

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.
- Gilbert Chesterton

Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we".
- Mark Twain

If they could figure out a way to channel my anger, they could solve the energy crisis.
- Woody Allen

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
- Mark Twain

Hey, the way I figure it is this: if the kids are still alive by the time my husband comes home, I've done my job.
- Roseanne Arnold

There are terrible temptations which it requires strength and courage to yield to.
- Oscar Wilde

Anyone who can only think of only one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination.
- Mark Twain

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
- Will Rogers

Anyone who is considered funny will tell you, sometimes without even your asking, that deep inside they are very serious, neurotic, introspective people.
- Wendy Wasserstein

All modern men are descended from wormlike creatures, but it shows more on some people.
- Will Cuppy

The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust.
- Samuel Butler

The only way of catching a train I ever discovered is to miss the train before.
- Gilbert Chesterton

The profoundly humorous writers are humorous because they are responsive to the hopeless, uncouth, concatenations of life.
- V.S. Pritchett