Saturday, June 15, 2013

Silly things


Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - 

All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.


I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, 

Let's hope it's not the 13th then.


My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house.
Turns out she was a Slovak.


Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, 

I'll have to let her in.


I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: 

Time to change supplier I think. 


Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said
 white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.

I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.


A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ..

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots.... 

Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.


It's a boy I shouted a boy, I don't believe it, it's a boy

And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!


Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.

Both in hospital...one's in a korma..

The other's got a dodgy tikka! 


In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians
took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! 

He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! 

It’s doing well! 

 Prophets are going through the roof!!

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'

Granny replies, forget the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'