Monday, July 15, 2013

What they said

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:
- 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea.  Visit people only once a year
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books.  You may die of a misprint
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry.  If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury
Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.  
Every now and then she stops to breathe
- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat
- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying
- Rodney Dangerfield  

Money can't buy you happiness ..
But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery
- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was Shut up!
- Joe Namath

I don't feel old.  
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap
- Bob Hope  

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it
- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress
- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  
As you grow older, it will avoid you
- Winston Churchill  

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ..
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out
- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.                         
- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

1 comment:

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