What they said

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall - Eleanor Roosevelt Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible - George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea.  Visit people only once a year - Victor Borge Be careful about reading health books.  You may die of a misprint - Mark Twain By all means, marry.  If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.   Every now and then she stops to breathe - Jimmy Durante I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat - Alex Levine My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying - Rodney Dangerfield   Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery - Spike Milligan Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was Shut up! - Joe Namath I don't feel old.   I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap - Bob Hope   I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it - W. C. Fields We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress - Will Rogers Don't worry about avoiding temptation.   As you grow older, it will avoid you - Winston Churchill   Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out - Phyllis Diller By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.                          - Billy Crystal And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.