Steven Wright

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said:
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"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
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Here are some more of his gems:
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- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
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- Half the people you know are below average. (Not true! Even if YOU are average.)
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- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
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- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
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- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
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- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
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- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
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something.
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- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
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- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
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- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
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- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
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horn louder."
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- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
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- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
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- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
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- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
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research.
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- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
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- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
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- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.