Transactive memory

Relationship development is often understood as a process of mutual self-disclosure
.
Or put more romantically as one of interpersonal revelation and acceptance
.
It is also a natural precursor to trans active memory
.
Trans active memory is part of what intimacy means
.
And what is transactive memory?
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Transactive memory is where we store a lot of our information
.
Outside our brains
.
Many things are not stored in our brains but we do know where to find them
.
Our partner might be better than us at doing certain things
.
So he does this and we do that
.
She might be better with the children and he with the accounts and tax matters or fixing the drain
.
It is the loss of this kind of joint memory that helps make divorce so painful
.
Divorced people who suffer depression may be expressing the loss for their external memory systems
.
They were once able to discuss their experiences to reach a shared understanding
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They could once count on access to a wide range of storage in their partner and this too has gone
.
The loss of trans active memory feels like losing a part of one's own mind
.
And for some they never recover
.
Others wounded stumble around until they find another to share with
.
Sharing life with another is often about the shared experiences
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About the external memory system
.
Funny we do not often realise this for what it is or how important a part of life it can be