One liners

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and
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going the wrong way.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
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tried.
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A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
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it.
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For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
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Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
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Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
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The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness
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of the bread.
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The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the
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ability to reach it.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
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is research.
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To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
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principles.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Two wrongs are only the beginning.
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The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
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The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch
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up.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
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Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
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Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
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Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
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If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
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How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
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Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.